First Semester is here & that means finding a way not to burn 52,500 calories in order to fit in with the rest of the incoming freshman. When investing in your education, the most important thing to consider is financing foodstuffs. These are the Cliffs Notes for expediently packing on seven kilos because in college the sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up. belush'


DO Stick with the Classic College Carbs – Devour easy mac, granola bars, and top ramen in bulk. Avoid filling proteins that are easy to make such as eggs, tuna, protein powder, or trail mix. Begin your courtship with Lil’ Debbie, fight your hunger with Hostess.

DON’T Walk Anywhere if Possible. Ride the bus, drive your car, take the elevator, buy a hoveround, search for moving walkways. Hook a Radio Flyer to unsuspecting sophmores.

DO Gorge at Night - Make sure not only to stick with carbs but do it as close to bedtime as possible. Keep a bag of Cheetos tucked in the side of your bunk bed for easy access.

DON’T Join an Intramural Team or Frequent the Gym. This burns precious calories.

DO Skip Breakfast – Don’t eat anything before lunch. Fast every morning and let your body run on last night’s slice of sausage.

DON’T Sleep Properly. Procrastinate and pull all-nighters often. Find a roommate who loves late night action films, uses suffocating amounts of Axe body spray, and doesn’t own a pair of headphones.

DO Sneak in at Least 500 Unnecessary Calories a Day – Drown your chicken fingers in honey mustard, hydrate with soda and Starbucks, enjoy dessert with every meal. Be voracious at the vending machine

DON’T Forget the Liquor. It’s legal er’ highly accessible now. Make sure not to look at these tips.

Good Luck Class of Two Thousand Something! You’ll have no problem fitting in World Religions 101 with that sexy new buddha belly.